But in the end the choice is not mine.

Well that time has finally come. All of my teacher's applications have been sent and now there is nothing to do but wait. I definately appriciate more what my fellow DREDs went through both last year and the year before. I got to apply. I got to make the best cases I could with my experience profiles. I get to upgrade classes next semester. But in the end the choice is not mine. People who dont know anything more about me then the applications sitting in front of them get to decide what will happen to my life next year.

Maybe that is best, becasue to be completely honest I dont really know what would be best for me to do next year anymore. I was all gung-ho about going to London. I have friends and family there; Amanda and Tristan were going, possibly Richard, and it is a brand new town to start fresh. My therapist says my expectaions of London are too big, and she is prolly right. Now, however, that has changed. If I went to London I would be going alone. Is that best? Do I move away from the few people left I can depend on and spend time with? Or would Windsor be best? Less jobs in the long run but more support. I really dont know.

I have to admit that my opinion is being swayed by the fact that Richard is giving me another chance. Nothing is set in stone or even sand right now but I am okay with that. I know that I have a LOT of making up to do and am up to the challenge. Nothing important and special is ever aquired with ease. Just the fact that he is allowing me to try is something that I cherish. It is going to be very difficult but I have no one to blame for that but myself. I screwed up, now it is up to me to prove time and again that I am commited to making things better. He is calling the shots right now and that is okay by me. I will do my best and hope that that will be good enough this time.

Re-reading all of this I am noticing that is doesnt sound very happy but that is the opposite of how I am feeling. Yes, I am stressed and exhausted but I am also mostly content with where my life is right now. I am extremely thankful for all that I have. I dont have to look over my shoulder wondering who I am hurting or upsetting. I dont have to question if what I am doing is right or if I should be following another path. Sure life isnt perfect but thats fine. To sound entirely cheesy, life is a journey and for the first time in a while I feel as though I am on the right path. There will always be choices and yes pain in inevitable but I should never be on a path where everyday I must worry about who I am hurting. I have lost a lot over this past year but I no longer blame anyone other then myself. I made choices. Some of them bad, some of them the only ones I felt I could make, a lot of them hurt. But I am who I am. And I am okay with that.