This time of year brings with it thoughts of the new year and reflections on the past. As of late, I find myself pondering the notion of forgiveness and all that it entails.
I find the ideal of absolute forgiveness given simply by asking it, although admorable on the part of the forgiver, unreasonable. For someone to be forgiven, I feel that they should first be able to recognize their error, understand the outcomes of that error and honestly work to deserve the forgiveness that they are asking for. If forgiveness is given without this, nothing is learned. Instead, people are not asked to be responsible for the outcomes of their actions and the more and more people will be taught that their actions should be about themselves only.
I am not saying that people should have to "jump through hoops" to gain something that only makes us stronger in the long run. Forgiveness should be given, but only once the error has been recognized and compensation at least attempted.
I am curious about how others feel about this topic. If you would, please share your opinion.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
But in the end the choice is not mine.
Well that time has finally come. All of my teacher's applications have been sent and now there is nothing to do but wait. I definately appriciate more what my fellow DREDs went through both last year and the year before. I got to apply. I got to make the best cases I could with my experience profiles. I get to upgrade classes next semester. But in the end the choice is not mine. People who dont know anything more about me then the applications sitting in front of them get to decide what will happen to my life next year.
Maybe that is best, becasue to be completely honest I dont really know what would be best for me to do next year anymore. I was all gung-ho about going to London. I have friends and family there; Amanda and Tristan were going, possibly Richard, and it is a brand new town to start fresh. My therapist says my expectaions of London are too big, and she is prolly right. Now, however, that has changed. If I went to London I would be going alone. Is that best? Do I move away from the few people left I can depend on and spend time with? Or would Windsor be best? Less jobs in the long run but more support. I really dont know.
I have to admit that my opinion is being swayed by the fact that Richard is giving me another chance. Nothing is set in stone or even sand right now but I am okay with that. I know that I have a LOT of making up to do and am up to the challenge. Nothing important and special is ever aquired with ease. Just the fact that he is allowing me to try is something that I cherish. It is going to be very difficult but I have no one to blame for that but myself. I screwed up, now it is up to me to prove time and again that I am commited to making things better. He is calling the shots right now and that is okay by me. I will do my best and hope that that will be good enough this time.
Re-reading all of this I am noticing that is doesnt sound very happy but that is the opposite of how I am feeling. Yes, I am stressed and exhausted but I am also mostly content with where my life is right now. I am extremely thankful for all that I have. I dont have to look over my shoulder wondering who I am hurting or upsetting. I dont have to question if what I am doing is right or if I should be following another path. Sure life isnt perfect but thats fine. To sound entirely cheesy, life is a journey and for the first time in a while I feel as though I am on the right path. There will always be choices and yes pain in inevitable but I should never be on a path where everyday I must worry about who I am hurting. I have lost a lot over this past year but I no longer blame anyone other then myself. I made choices. Some of them bad, some of them the only ones I felt I could make, a lot of them hurt. But I am who I am. And I am okay with that.
Maybe that is best, becasue to be completely honest I dont really know what would be best for me to do next year anymore. I was all gung-ho about going to London. I have friends and family there; Amanda and Tristan were going, possibly Richard, and it is a brand new town to start fresh. My therapist says my expectaions of London are too big, and she is prolly right. Now, however, that has changed. If I went to London I would be going alone. Is that best? Do I move away from the few people left I can depend on and spend time with? Or would Windsor be best? Less jobs in the long run but more support. I really dont know.
I have to admit that my opinion is being swayed by the fact that Richard is giving me another chance. Nothing is set in stone or even sand right now but I am okay with that. I know that I have a LOT of making up to do and am up to the challenge. Nothing important and special is ever aquired with ease. Just the fact that he is allowing me to try is something that I cherish. It is going to be very difficult but I have no one to blame for that but myself. I screwed up, now it is up to me to prove time and again that I am commited to making things better. He is calling the shots right now and that is okay by me. I will do my best and hope that that will be good enough this time.
Re-reading all of this I am noticing that is doesnt sound very happy but that is the opposite of how I am feeling. Yes, I am stressed and exhausted but I am also mostly content with where my life is right now. I am extremely thankful for all that I have. I dont have to look over my shoulder wondering who I am hurting or upsetting. I dont have to question if what I am doing is right or if I should be following another path. Sure life isnt perfect but thats fine. To sound entirely cheesy, life is a journey and for the first time in a while I feel as though I am on the right path. There will always be choices and yes pain in inevitable but I should never be on a path where everyday I must worry about who I am hurting. I have lost a lot over this past year but I no longer blame anyone other then myself. I made choices. Some of them bad, some of them the only ones I felt I could make, a lot of them hurt. But I am who I am. And I am okay with that.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I love my new job!
This job is great! Sure, I work every saturday nite, so that means no Loop, but I get to listen to good music, watch drunk people try to take on not drunk bouncers (always a hoot), watch girls fall out of shirts two sizes too small for tits that big, laugh at the lengths some people will go to get picked up, read my book and get paid for it! Tips are good and afterwards if I want to, I can stay until the wee hours of the morning getting drunk on 2$ drinks, chatting and playing eucure!
My job rocks!
My job rocks!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
AM I TRUE TO MYSELF?
by Edgar Guest
I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun
And hate myself for things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and self
I want to be able to like myself
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know;
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.
by Edgar Guest
I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by,
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun
And hate myself for things I have done.
I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.
I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and self
I want to be able to like myself
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.
I can never hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know;
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
School school and more school
So I worked my last day with PDC yesterday. 10.5 hours of staring at rusty bearings. fun. No more until May. See ya!
Now is time to focus on school and not going nuts. I have been in school way too bloody long and it is time to graduate already so I can leave. Then if I want to go on in school, fine. But at least I will feel like I have actually accomplished something rather then sitting on my ass.
This past weekend I helped move Richard into Amanda and Tristan's place. I've been spending a bunch of time over there which has been nice. It is nice to have one place that has most of the people that I depend on and make me happy. They, plus Natalie, are keeping me from either becoming a hurmit or exploding and hurting something/one or myself. Although maybe a little hurmit time would be a good thing from time to time. My temper is short and anxiety high. Makes me fun to be around Im sure.
Ever feel like you are swimming in quicksand? Its a great feeling. Just enough air to keep going but always fighting for the next breath.
Im sorry. This is a rather depressing post. Im going to stop now before I say more. blah.
Now is time to focus on school and not going nuts. I have been in school way too bloody long and it is time to graduate already so I can leave. Then if I want to go on in school, fine. But at least I will feel like I have actually accomplished something rather then sitting on my ass.
This past weekend I helped move Richard into Amanda and Tristan's place. I've been spending a bunch of time over there which has been nice. It is nice to have one place that has most of the people that I depend on and make me happy. They, plus Natalie, are keeping me from either becoming a hurmit or exploding and hurting something/one or myself. Although maybe a little hurmit time would be a good thing from time to time. My temper is short and anxiety high. Makes me fun to be around Im sure.
Ever feel like you are swimming in quicksand? Its a great feeling. Just enough air to keep going but always fighting for the next breath.
Im sorry. This is a rather depressing post. Im going to stop now before I say more. blah.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A Great Book
Joanna has this great tendency to buy me books that fit exactly what I am going through at that time. So with the past year being as it was, she recently bought me "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus." I just finished it.
Anyone who has ever had relationship issues; anyone who has ever been confused by what someone of the opposite sex, or even the same sex as done, this book is for you!! It is so increadibly informative. The author goes through all of the most common misconceptions and misunderstandings that people of the opposite sex have, explains where each is coming from and why they do the things they do, and then goes into how best to deal with it. There are so many situations that I connected with, often times when I did things without even realizing why I was doing them!
It explains why men pull away when in an intimate relationship; that most men have the need to "fix" things and come up with solutions; "the cave" that men retreat to and how women can best deal with them when they do; why women seem perfectly happy one day and then down-spiral the next (and no, Im not talking about PMS!); what happens when a couple fights and why things often dont get resolved; etc, etc, etc....
All of his findings are from actual cases, which makes them so easy to relate to and see yourself in. It makes you feel like, "no, we are not crazy and messed up; other people have gone through the exact same thing before!" And here are some nifty solutions that have worked many times before.
So for anyone who has ever wondered why their partner acts the way he/she does or even why you act the way you do....READ THE BOOK! Trust me. You will be happily surprised. I was.
Anyone who has ever had relationship issues; anyone who has ever been confused by what someone of the opposite sex, or even the same sex as done, this book is for you!! It is so increadibly informative. The author goes through all of the most common misconceptions and misunderstandings that people of the opposite sex have, explains where each is coming from and why they do the things they do, and then goes into how best to deal with it. There are so many situations that I connected with, often times when I did things without even realizing why I was doing them!
It explains why men pull away when in an intimate relationship; that most men have the need to "fix" things and come up with solutions; "the cave" that men retreat to and how women can best deal with them when they do; why women seem perfectly happy one day and then down-spiral the next (and no, Im not talking about PMS!); what happens when a couple fights and why things often dont get resolved; etc, etc, etc....
All of his findings are from actual cases, which makes them so easy to relate to and see yourself in. It makes you feel like, "no, we are not crazy and messed up; other people have gone through the exact same thing before!" And here are some nifty solutions that have worked many times before.
So for anyone who has ever wondered why their partner acts the way he/she does or even why you act the way you do....READ THE BOOK! Trust me. You will be happily surprised. I was.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Internal Playlist
Music often does a good job of hitting the right nerves. The following songs have hit a lot of nerves in me lately and I think say what I have been feeling.
Please keep in mind that these are songs so not everything can be taken literally; they simply express my inner emotions.
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
I'm no Angel - Dido
All Good Things (Come to an End) - Nelly Furtado
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful Lie - Esthero
I am not asking for anything; simply expressing.
-S
Please keep in mind that these are songs so not everything can be taken literally; they simply express my inner emotions.
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
I'm no Angel - Dido
All Good Things (Come to an End) - Nelly Furtado
Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
Beautiful Lie - Esthero
I am not asking for anything; simply expressing.
-S
Sunday, August 06, 2006
The healing place that is Port Burwell
This place is so beautiful and peaceful. Nature all around and all of the elements are present in their most natural forms. A feeling a peace surrounds me and is keeping me from being too upset.
I am staying longer. I know of no better way to heal.
I am staying longer. I know of no better way to heal.
Friday, August 04, 2006
What the last 10 mos has taught me
1. Some people ARE what people warn you about and no amount of wanting it to be wrong will change it.
2. Pain means nothing, or close enough to it, unless its the pain someone else is inflicting on you, unfairly.
3. Sometimes love isnt enough.
4. Say whatever you want because the moment you do something seen as different, your words mean nothing.
5.What you do isnt as important as what people think of you.
6. Everyone makes mistakes but dont screw up.
7. Broken people arent worth helping unless you get what you want from them.
8. Understanding is more important than passion; it will also last longer.
9. Know exactly what you want before you do ANYTHING.
10. Trying is never good enough; do it or dont bother.
I hope I am learning fast enough. I guess the world is not as caring and loving as I thought it was. Most people want what they want when they want it and if not, then oh well.
I dont want to be told Im broken anymore. I dont want to be in so much pain. I want the light to shine. I want to be whole. I want my faults and cracks to be okay. To be part of me.
2. Pain means nothing, or close enough to it, unless its the pain someone else is inflicting on you, unfairly.
3. Sometimes love isnt enough.
4. Say whatever you want because the moment you do something seen as different, your words mean nothing.
5.What you do isnt as important as what people think of you.
6. Everyone makes mistakes but dont screw up.
7. Broken people arent worth helping unless you get what you want from them.
8. Understanding is more important than passion; it will also last longer.
9. Know exactly what you want before you do ANYTHING.
10. Trying is never good enough; do it or dont bother.
I hope I am learning fast enough. I guess the world is not as caring and loving as I thought it was. Most people want what they want when they want it and if not, then oh well.
I dont want to be told Im broken anymore. I dont want to be in so much pain. I want the light to shine. I want to be whole. I want my faults and cracks to be okay. To be part of me.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I am not giving up.
I refuse to allow this to end in sorrow.
There is too much to lose
and so much waiting to be grasped.
Enough of sitting and letting things happen.
I will NOT just melt away.
Time can heal,
but only if given reason.
Love is a reason,
in its many forms.
It is time to take charge.
Past time.
I can learn and I am.
Not again.
Right this time.
Dont give up.
Ever.
I refuse to allow this to end in sorrow.
There is too much to lose
and so much waiting to be grasped.
Enough of sitting and letting things happen.
I will NOT just melt away.
Time can heal,
but only if given reason.
Love is a reason,
in its many forms.
It is time to take charge.
Past time.
I can learn and I am.
Not again.
Right this time.
Dont give up.
Ever.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Good Times had by All!!
So anyone who reads Rylan's blog will know that we were on vacation this past week. Something that we had been hoping to do for a long while and finally got to. And I'll tell you what.....it was a blast!!
We split the week between visiting with my family and friends in Peterborough and finally making it to Gravenhurst, staying at Dave's place.
Peterborough was busy and fun. Manda, Steph and Jamie plus lots of sangria; Ribfest and Pirates'; Family BBQ (Im the shortest grandchild now!!!!), and, of course, Wonderland. After all of that relaxation time in Gravenhurst was very much needed and so very nice. I could handle living in a place like that; or at least being able to go for a few months and get away. And I got to spend time with Dave. I have to admit that I was unsure at first but I had a great time. I wish we could have stayed longer.
We made it back with lots of pictures, a full week of full nites of sleep, and smiles on our faces. And Rylan now owns sandles and a bathing suit!! *lol*
Thank you Dave and parents for such a great time; Steph and Jamie, come visit whenever you would like, same for you Manda; this week was very much needed and will be remembered with smiles for long to come. Thank you all.
We split the week between visiting with my family and friends in Peterborough and finally making it to Gravenhurst, staying at Dave's place.
Peterborough was busy and fun. Manda, Steph and Jamie plus lots of sangria; Ribfest and Pirates'; Family BBQ (Im the shortest grandchild now!!!!), and, of course, Wonderland. After all of that relaxation time in Gravenhurst was very much needed and so very nice. I could handle living in a place like that; or at least being able to go for a few months and get away. And I got to spend time with Dave. I have to admit that I was unsure at first but I had a great time. I wish we could have stayed longer.
We made it back with lots of pictures, a full week of full nites of sleep, and smiles on our faces. And Rylan now owns sandles and a bathing suit!! *lol*
Thank you Dave and parents for such a great time; Steph and Jamie, come visit whenever you would like, same for you Manda; this week was very much needed and will be remembered with smiles for long to come. Thank you all.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Oh so tired...
The summer seems to have started off with a bang, and like always some of it is good and some not so. However, things seem to be looking up.
I started working with PDC last monday, full time. And let me tell you...600 is way too early in the morning! Luckily there is a Timmies right down the street. mmmm...Timmies. :) Other then the early mornings the job is going well. Some interesting tension (for obvious reasons) but its work, so we'll get through it. Laura is a great boss and the other employees seem pretty easy to get along with. I'll just have to get used to the early mornings and working 40+ hours a week...
My apartment finally looks like a home and not just a pile of boxes with places to sit. This is mostly thanks to my mom and my grandparents who came to visit me this weekend. The can really get things accomplished when they put their minds to it. I have things on the walls; I have mats on the floors and my shelves are full to bursting. Ahh....nice clean apartment. What a nice feeling. I will have to start having people over..once I get on my feet and am not so exhausted.
124 Elm if anyone is ever interested in coming by. Just follow the flowers... ;)
I started working with PDC last monday, full time. And let me tell you...600 is way too early in the morning! Luckily there is a Timmies right down the street. mmmm...Timmies. :) Other then the early mornings the job is going well. Some interesting tension (for obvious reasons) but its work, so we'll get through it. Laura is a great boss and the other employees seem pretty easy to get along with. I'll just have to get used to the early mornings and working 40+ hours a week...
My apartment finally looks like a home and not just a pile of boxes with places to sit. This is mostly thanks to my mom and my grandparents who came to visit me this weekend. The can really get things accomplished when they put their minds to it. I have things on the walls; I have mats on the floors and my shelves are full to bursting. Ahh....nice clean apartment. What a nice feeling. I will have to start having people over..once I get on my feet and am not so exhausted.
124 Elm if anyone is ever interested in coming by. Just follow the flowers... ;)
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
So I finished my exams. Finally. And I dont think I did too bad either, which is nice to think about.
Roman Civ was way too easy; when the prof says "okay, 1/2 hour has passed" and half of the class charges him....yeah, might want to think about upping the difficulty on that test. Not that Im complaining, I just thought it was kinda funny.
So on to packing it is. Im sure I will find things that I didnt even know I had! Its like an adventure, or shopping in your own home! I have way too much stuff...
Oh, and that stupid english essay....stupid english.
Roman Civ was way too easy; when the prof says "okay, 1/2 hour has passed" and half of the class charges him....yeah, might want to think about upping the difficulty on that test. Not that Im complaining, I just thought it was kinda funny.
So on to packing it is. Im sure I will find things that I didnt even know I had! Its like an adventure, or shopping in your own home! I have way too much stuff...
Oh, and that stupid english essay....stupid english.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Things are looking up
So I finally found a place to live. As of May 1st I will be living one street over on Elm and one block down towards the river. Its a nice little apartment with a great landlord (one that actually pays attention to the needs of his tenents) and hopefully good neighbours (or so he says). I also get to choose what colour paint I want. And there are gardens for me to work in. It may take me a bit to get settled and have the cash to pay everything that I need to on a regular basis but I have my hopes up.
Once I have everything set up, I'll have to have a bit of a get together to show off the new place. I'll let people know when I am ready for that.
BTW my number will be staying the same, so no one have the excuse of not knowing my new number. *smile*
Now if I can just get through my last two exams....sigh
-Cora
PS: I am NOT mad at Steph, so whomever told her that was wrong. Steph and I haven't even talked in many a moon. She does her thing and I do mine. Seems to work for both of us.
Once I have everything set up, I'll have to have a bit of a get together to show off the new place. I'll let people know when I am ready for that.
BTW my number will be staying the same, so no one have the excuse of not knowing my new number. *smile*
Now if I can just get through my last two exams....sigh
-Cora
PS: I am NOT mad at Steph, so whomever told her that was wrong. Steph and I haven't even talked in many a moon. She does her thing and I do mine. Seems to work for both of us.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
There seems to be a common thought going around that I am out to shit on people; you know, make up lies, spread them around...you know the sort. Not going to happen. If you feel that I have wronged you in anyway, shape or form, I am sorry. If you would like an explination or to talk about it with me, you know where I live (at least for a couple more weeks). I have not gone out of my way to make things difficult for people. I am simply trying to live my life the best I can and make up for mistakes I have made. As far as I am aware that only includes Richard Clarke, Chris Hackett and Amanda Roy. If you are not one of these people and feel I have wronged you, please step forward and I will find time to go through things with you.
If you are uncomfortable around me or are planning to hold my actions against me, again I am sorry to make you feel that way. I am doing what I can to right things myself. I will make mistakes; I am human after all (or at least that is what I am told). If you feel our relationship with each other is at stake because of this and feel I am not doing anything/enough to right that, please get in contact with me. Otherwise I am going to assume that you have no problems with me and put my focus on other issues in my life.
I apologize if I am short of temper or seem distent. Please do not take it personally. Right now I am focusing on finding a place to live in 14 days and get through exams. Trust me, if I have a real problem with you, I will talk to you about it.
Thank you
If you are uncomfortable around me or are planning to hold my actions against me, again I am sorry to make you feel that way. I am doing what I can to right things myself. I will make mistakes; I am human after all (or at least that is what I am told). If you feel our relationship with each other is at stake because of this and feel I am not doing anything/enough to right that, please get in contact with me. Otherwise I am going to assume that you have no problems with me and put my focus on other issues in my life.
I apologize if I am short of temper or seem distent. Please do not take it personally. Right now I am focusing on finding a place to live in 14 days and get through exams. Trust me, if I have a real problem with you, I will talk to you about it.
Thank you
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Just a Post
So last weekend was fun. Went to Yuk Yuks Friday nite, along with Sean taking me to Bubies. Saw Cats on Sat. for his birthday and then off to the Loop Sat nite. It was busy and fun for the most part. Got to truly meet Tim (had technically met him before but he was at work). What a great guy. Quiet and extremely nice. A nice grounding influence on Sean as well. It was good.
Unfortunatly life is going in waves again. And to be completely honest I am getting sick of it. Oh course it would make things so much better if I wasn't going in waves. Just frustrating is all. Those who know what I am talking about know....others it isn't really any of your business. Sorry if that sounds mean...it is just there has been too many people getting involved in things that dont concern them. If you aren't involved, thank your lucky stars and stay out. Trust me.
Anyway, School is almost done..thank goodness. And hopefully I will be making money soon. Paying bills would be nice. Also I would love to know for sure if I have a place to live in a month.
Okay I am starting to bitch again so Im just going to say tootles.
Give a hug to someone you care about. And try to make someone you may have issues with smile. There is too much anger and mistrust in this world.
Unfortunatly life is going in waves again. And to be completely honest I am getting sick of it. Oh course it would make things so much better if I wasn't going in waves. Just frustrating is all. Those who know what I am talking about know....others it isn't really any of your business. Sorry if that sounds mean...it is just there has been too many people getting involved in things that dont concern them. If you aren't involved, thank your lucky stars and stay out. Trust me.
Anyway, School is almost done..thank goodness. And hopefully I will be making money soon. Paying bills would be nice. Also I would love to know for sure if I have a place to live in a month.
Okay I am starting to bitch again so Im just going to say tootles.
Give a hug to someone you care about. And try to make someone you may have issues with smile. There is too much anger and mistrust in this world.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Weekends of Craziness
So the next few weekends are going to be nuts but I am a-okay with that. Heather is down this weekend (got in last nite); there is the party at Daves tonite and then either another party tomorrow or the Loop. Ahh...choices. And then Sean and Aaron come down the last weekend of the month. I am excited. It will be nice to spend time with people I dont normally get to see. And on top of all of this visiting there is school. Not as fabulous but still a must (at least for another month and a bit). Keeps me busy, which is very much needed at times. But overall things have been looking up. I hope they continue to.
See most people tonite hopefully.
Happy St Patties everyone!!
See most people tonite hopefully.
Happy St Patties everyone!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a day for tears and to fight over. I long for the days of happiness and carefree manners, when everything is not scrutinized with a fine-tip comb and people are not made to feel negitive emotions on a regular basis.
Wake me when that day comes...otherwise just let me sleep.
Wake me when that day comes...otherwise just let me sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
